Innocence Lost

My husband and I took our man-child to see a movie this week.  We are on vacation, visiting friends, and had some time to kill before our next outing.  A movie, we thought.  Buttery popcorn, fantasy action, and most importantly on a hot summer day - air conditioning!

I usually research movies we see, checking on the appropriateness of the content and language.  I don't want to poison my child's mind, let alone mine!  But in the last few months, I've been very lax about doing it.  And today . . .

The very first word of the movie was a cuss word.  I cringed, looked at Samuel, and he looked up at me with big eyes. 

I should have left right then.  Should have insisted, should have been willing to run the risk of everyone being mad at me.  I should have been willing to be called a prude. Because the language got worse and worse, until it finally culminated, toward the end, in the F-word. 

There's a reason it's referred to as the f bomb.  Because that word exploded in my mind and in my heart, and with dread I once again looked at Samuel, and he looked at me with VERY big eyes.  I covered my face with my hands in shame, fought back tears, and prayed for forgiveness and for protection for my baby's heart. 

But we stayed and finished the movie.

I am so ashamed of that fact.  .

Walking out of the theater, I asked Samuel about the word.  At first he tried to play it cool - he is 11, after all - but when I reminded him that I saw his face . . . Yes, he said.  He heard it.  No, he had never heard it before, although he had heard of it.

I started to cry.  In public.  In the parking lot.  My little man grabbed my hand - right there in front of everyone - and said, it's ok, mom. 

But it's not ok. 

Romans 12 says to hate what is evil and cling to what is good.  The Message version puts it this way:  "Love from the center of who you are; don’t fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good."  

I am concerned that I - part of  church, the bride of Christ - am not disgusted by sin.  I am concerned that I am not repelled by sin.  I am concerned that sin is so easy to see in the world that at times I don't even notice it.  

I am concerned that I do not run for dear life. I am so ashamed of that fact.  

Innocence is like a huge slab of marble, waiting to be chipped away, like a sculpture.  No piece that is taken away can be put back on.  Innocence cannot be regenerated.  Once it is gone, it's gone.  You may read this story, and think - sheesh.  Dial it down a bit.  It's one word.  

And I say, it's one word that is now in his mind.  A word that has no redeeming value, a word that is meant to shock, a word whose very character is reprehensible.  

Here's what I think - why would I allow anything into my child's life that we don't do or use or say at home?  We don't say certain words, we don't do certain things - and we don't do those things on purpose.  So why oh why would I ever want to expose an innocent heart and mind to them?  

Sometimes I think that we as Christians think that exposure to sin is unavoidable.  While I don't purposefully teach that - in my home or in my ministry - am I teaching that with my actions?  If I tell my child that sin is a choice but don't take a stand about sin in our lives... What is the real lesson? 

Some sin is unavoidable, if we are going to live and work in this world.  But we certainly don't need to seek it out. We don't need to accept it as normal. And we definitely don't need to let it into our homes, hearts and minds. 

I am ashamed I didn't take a stand that day.  I wish I could show my son that God's way is worth standing up for. All I can do now is be prepared for next time. 

Because I am sure there will be a next time. 

Please forgive me for not having written in awhile.  And please forgive me for what I'm writing today.  This is about tennis, but if you know me - tennis is life!


My son once asked me, “Why do you love tennis so much?”

Why?

Because . . .

Tennis is art.  Tennis is beauty.  Tennis is life.  It is grace with strength, elegance with power, sophistication with might.  A strange juxtaposition of seeming opposites that, when fused together in this particular game of sport, create perfect poetry in motion.

Tennis asks the grand questions of life:  will you commit?  Will you stay motivated?  Will you respond?  Will you be invincible?  Will you play each point like your future depends on it?  Will you get back up when you fall down?  Will you serve again when you double fault?  Will you win the next point when you lost the last?

Will you persevere, or will you give up?

Tennis reveals your character.  It is one against one.  If you lose, if you double fault, if you hit the ball long, it’s no one else’s fault but your own.  Tennis reveals your drive.  You are offense and defense, in the same game, at the same time, as the same player.  Tennis reveals your preparation.  It is practicing the same stroke, the same swing, again and again and again.  Tennis reveals your work ethic.  Because trophies are won when no one is watching, day after day, practice after practice.  Alone.

Tennis is mental toughness.  Tennis is emotional isolation.  Tennis is staggering seclusion.  Just you and your opponent.  No coaches calling a time out, no substitutions for fatigue.  An epic struggle engaged by two warriors with everything to gain AND everything to lose.  It is a battle between two soldiers that involves the world; multiple countries represented in a single match.  The audience reacts in appreciation, from subdued whispers to triumphant shouts.  The crowd cheers, the crowd jeers.  The nations unite, oooing and ahhing at precise baselines and thunderous serves.

Tennis is overcoming fear – not of your opponent, but your own flaws and failures.  Tennis is overcoming your limits – digging deep when you are tired and hurting.  Tennis is overcoming the pain – the bleeding fingers and the blistered toes and the sore muscles and the pulled hamstrings.
Tennis is action and reaction.  It is proactive and reactive.  It is massive.  It is small.  It is the huge gesture, and the smallest detail.

Tennis is balletic.  Tennis is athletic.  Tennis is magnetic.
 
Tennis is life.  And that’s why I love it so much.

"It's Happening!"

I had the best dream this morning, just before I woke up.

Best. Dream. Ever.

I dreamed I was in some kind of open-ended pavilion.  I was working on an event, standing at a high table, looking at floor maps and seating arrangements.  I was standing with a friend, Chris Davis, discussing where we were going to put people.  Another friend, Jen Smith, walked up and handed me a couple of voucher slips for payment.  I very much remember that one was for $10, and it was marked, "payment for services rendered."  The other one was a reimbursement for $7 (from the Dollar Tree!).  Jen wanted me to see the vouchers - apparently she was in charge of the budget for the event!  I remember saying, I don't need the payment, but I'll take the reimbursement.  And she said, I'll take care of it and walked away.  Chris and I went back to working on the floor plan for our event.

About that time I looked out the end of the pavilion and glanced up at the sky.  The sky was blue - beautiful, pure blue, like the most perfect summer day.  There were clouds racing across the sky, swirling and changing, but not in a frightening way. 

I started to say, hey, look at those clouds, they look like -

And then suddenly I realized they didn't look like . . . they were!

They were taking the form of turrets on a castle, but in my dream mind I was thinking the word spires.  Chris and Jen and I ran out of the pavilion, and I said:

It's happening!

Pure white clouds were chasing each other into view, but they weren't just clouds.  They were taking the form of a city, in the sky, all around us.  We stood there, transfixed, smiles as wide as miles on our faces.  Suddenly I looked up to my right, and saw people being formed out of the clouds, stepping down into rows and rows and rows.  Some were angels, some were people, and they stood around us - in the air, on invisible risers, it seemed. 

I thought, the Great Cloud of Witnesses!

I looked at one woman in the sky.  She had long hair, pulled up in a bun, and layers of beautiful white robes.  She looked down at me and smiled.  I waved, feeling very foolish for doing so, but she chuckled and waved back.

All the people I saw in the sky were moving while standing still.  I don't know how to describe it adequately.  They were formed of clouds - pure, white, bright clouds.  Just as clouds move and form in the heavens, so were the clouds within the people moving.   They were all smiling, expectant, loving. 

There was a city forming behind them, also made of clouds.  Buildings, houses.  Even trees.  Bright, dazzling, pure white. 

Everything - people, angels, buildings - were waiting for something.  Waiting for something to happen.  Happy, joyful - like children on Christmas morning.  I waited and watched with them, hoping to see what they were seeing, and what they were waiting for.

And then I woke up. 

So I looked up the verse in Hebrews about the great cloud of witnesses, and suddenly I knew what the people were expecting: 

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  (12:1-2)

I can't wait to see that throne, and my God, and my Jesus, and that city, and those witnesses. 

Best. Dream. Ever.

I Worshiped God Today

I worshiped God today.

It's Sunday.  The Lord's day.  The day I always go to church.  The day I always worship.  The day I lead.  The day I serve.  The day I sing. 

The problem was . . . I didn't feel it today.  I didn't feel like worshiping, I didn't feel like leading, I didn't feel like serving.  I didn't feel like singing.  I didn't feel anything today. 

First thing this morning, I had a "preteen" issue at home.  As soon as I got to church, I had doubts about my top and felt self-conscious.  In Sunday School, I ripped my skirt.  After class, I realized an event I had planned for tomorrow wasn't going to work and I was going to have to cancel.  By the time I got to the platform to sing with the praise team, I was done. 

But even without all that, I didn't feel it.  I didn't have that excitement to go to church like a normally do.  I didn't want to see my friends and family, fellowship with each other while we fellowship with God.  I just didn't want any of it.  

And so I worshiped God today. 

I have this spot that I like to look at when I sing at church.  It's up to my right, where the wall meets the ceiling.  I like to imagine that the roof of the church opens up, the clouds roll back, and it's just me and God, face to face.  I am often able to block out everyone and everything, and just focus on him.  Intimate worship, just God and me. 

But not today.  I couldn't block anything out.  I couldn't compartmentalize.  Emotionally I felt dull.  Mentally I felt tired.  Spiritually I felt drained.  I even felt strange physically.  So what did I do?

I worshiped God today.  Anyway.

I closed my eyes.  I raised my hands.  I focused on him.  But I didn't feel different.  I didn't get emotional and break down in tears.  I didn't have a moment of mental clarity.  I didn't receive some spiritual call.  Absolutely nothing changed.  And nothing has changed still.

Yet I worshiped God today. 

Worshiping only when I feel like it puts the emphasis on me.  And that's backwards.  Worshiping in order to feel better also puts the emphasis on me.  Also backwards.  Whether or not we worship has nothing to do with us.  It's only about him - God.  We worship because he is worthy.  We worship because we need to.  We worship because we are told to.  We worship because we have no other choice. 

Praise the Lord!

Praise the Lord from the heavens;

praise him in the heights!

Praise him, all his angels;

praise him, all his hosts!

Praise him, sun and moon,

praise him, all you shining stars!

Praise him, you highest heavens,

and you waters above the heavens!

Let them praise the name of the Lord!

For he commanded and they were created.

And he established them forever and ever; he gave a decree, and it shall not pass away.   Psalm 148-1-6

I worshiped God today.  I didn't feel like it.  But I worshiped.  Not because he encourages it, but because he commands it.  Not because he needs it, but because I need it.  Not because of who I am, but because of who he is.

I worshiped God today.

All of Me

I had to have some medical tests today. 

This morning I dropped my son off to school, like normal, and decided to go to my favorite diner and have my favorite breakfast (rye toast, bacon, fried potatoes) and play my current favorite phone game (Bubble Worlds).  I guess I was trying to busy myself.  I wasn't worried, I was trusting God that He would take care of me, whether the test was positive or negative.

The radio was playing at the diner, and though I usually tune stuff out, I heard the song "All of Me" by John Legend came on.  It's a beautiful song, very simple - just one voice and a piano.  I don't listen to the radio much, but I've heard it before, and I really like it.  The chorus goes like this:

'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I'm winning
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, oh

Pretty, right?  Sweet, loving...

Fast forward to an hour later.  I'm laying on an examination table, watching my ultrasound on the computer screen.  Of course, I don't know what I'm looking at, so I was just kind of praying, kind of thinking.  All of a sudden, I became a little scared.  Then I got a little angry with myself for being scared.  A tear trickled down my cheek.

Suddenly, the Lord spoke the words of the song to me:  "All of me loves all of you."  And the fear vanished.

Wow.

You may think I'm crazy, believing that God would use some man's love song to his wife to comfort me.  I'm totally ok with you thinking that.  I know the moment, and nothing will ever change it for me.

I started to think about God's love for me.  I started to think about him singing over me, like it says in Zephaniah 3:17:   "He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing."  I thought about just what it meant for all of God to love all of me.  God. Me.  The great big, immortal, massive, King of Kings, Creator of the Universe, Lover of my soul, unshakeable, impenetrable, unchangeable - that God loves me.  All of the facets of his character love me.  Everything he is . . . loves me.

Loves all of me.  The good stuff.  The bad stuff.  The strengths.  The weaknesses.  The rights.  The wrongs.  The past.  The future.  The ugly.  The beautiful.  

Just soak in that for a minute, and then say with me . . . wow. 

I wasn't afraid anymore.  No matter the diagnosis, no matter the outcome, God loves me.  God. Loves. Me.  And he loves you!  That is truth, and truth is what sets us free.  What is there to ever be afraid of, when the one who spoke the world into being wants to rejoice over me?  Sing over me?  Take delight in me?  

What does that say about him, and what does it say about me?

My test results came back fine.  No problems.  But problems will come, in all of our lives, and the truth will still be the same.  All of God loves all of me.  That knowledge should change me, make me bold, strong, courageous.  No earthly circumstances can change the eternal truth:

God loves me. 

The Problem With Church, Part 2

In my last post I discussed imperfections of the modern church.  There are many. There always have been, because the church is simply made up of people - fallen, broken, sinful people.

Today I'd like to talk about the other side of church. I've had many people say to me, "I won't/My husband/mother/son won't come to church because people there are liars/hypocrites/judgmental."

My response is, yes... And which one of those are you?

I'm intrigued by a world that both demands and represses the influence of the church on society. I hear things like, if the church would just do more/do less in the world, there would be no hunger or war or abuse.  If the church would just do good, bad things wouldn't happen.

I get that. And I don't disagree with it.  But here's the thing. To my knowledge, I don't know any ax murderers or pedophiles or sadists.  Most of the people who would have these discussions with me obey the law, pay their taxes, love their kids.  They are good people.

So my question to them is, why aren't you doing good things? If the church isn't ending hunger, war and abuse, what's stopping you?

Just because the church - remember, a group of fallen, faulty people - isn't doing what you think it should, doesn't give you an excuse to not do good yourself!

Yesterday, I told the church to grow up.  Today, I say the same thing to the world. If you are of reasonable age and intellect, you have surely figured out that life doesn't exist for you.  Life will continue, even if you are angry.  Or bitter. Or hypocritical. Because you are, you know.  All the things you accuse the church of - I'll bet you are those things too.

Because we all are.  The Bible even says that -  we are all sinners.  And yet, it also says that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  Whether you accept him or not. Whether you believe it or not.  Your belief doesn't change the facts.

I don't disagree that the church should be held to a higher standard. But not by you! Only God can judge the church. And he will one day, believe me.

There's a quote that I love by George Bernard Shaw.  (The entire thing is on the left side of this blog page.)  "This is the true joy in life — being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one… being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy."  Shaw isn't discussing Christianity or faith or church attendance. In fact, until he was about 30 years old he considered himself an atheist. Then he became a mystic.  (No clue. Don't even ask me, because I have no idea.) 

Shaw isn't writing about being a better Christian. He's talking about being a better person.

So for those of you who have sworn off church - are you a force of nature or a clod of ailments? Have you allowed your distaste for the church to turn you into a religious vigilante, someone who chooses not to believe but won't let others have the same choice?

The church isn't perfect. People aren't perfect. You aren't, I'm not. (This is where you are supposed to gasp in disbelief.)  And get this - we aren't supposed to be perfect.

That stupid saying about Christians not being perfect, just forgiven? It's stinking true! I gave up a long time ago.  I don't even try to be perfect. Not for a second. I just wallow in forgiveness.

Give church another chance. Try faith again. You've learned so many lessons on what not to do... Think of how your life, your past, your shortcomings could influence the church for good!

The church isn't a building. It is a collection of people - people who, on any given day, are hurting or grieving or angry or bitter.  People who are massively, wonderfully imperfect.

Just like you.

Give church another chance.  And if you need help along the way, give me a call.  We can be wonderfully imperfect together.

Now that's church.

The Problem With Church

I've gone round and round in my mind and with God about the purpose of and problem with church.  While I know the bible teaches the importance of joining together on a regular basis (see Hebrews 10:25), being a part of a faith community is hard.

And why? When I look at the description of the early church in Acts 2, I feel... What do I feel?  Sad? Jealous? Frustrated?

Yes! And yes and yes!

Look at the description of these believers:

All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved. - Acts 2:44-47

Why isn't the church the same way today? Frankly, because the church is simply people, and people are faulty.  (I made a conscious effort to not say stupid. But that's true too.)

Today we are so far removed from the Cross that we are not hungry for Christ. We are not desperate to hear about him, to talk about him, to think about him.  We take the whole thing for granted.

Look at the scripture again. It's important that the first sentence says they "were together."  You could easily miss this statement, skipping right over the significance, but I beg you not to.

How often do we blow right through church? In comparison, how often do we stay, sitting around, talking, laughing, sharing?  Or do we treat it as one of a thousand items on our checklist of things to do on any given Sunday?

The next statement says that the believers had "everything in common."  Oh. My. Word.  I'm so weird I have very little in common with anyone!  I have often prayed to meet people who are like me, so that I wouldn't feel so abnormal.  I can't imagine having everything in common with someone.

Is this a modern problem? Are we living in a disjointed age, where finding something in common with others is rare at best, impossible at worst? And to find people I have everything in common with? Ummm... No.  I don't think that person exists.

But maybe having everything in common isn't about my interests. Maybe it's about His interests.  Maybe having everything in common has nothing to do with me!

Ouch.  I thought everything had to do with me.

Ouch again.

Let's look deeper.  The early church met together daily. In the church. In their homes. They lived life together, every day.  They ate together, sang together.

They praised God together.
Every. Stinking. Day.

So what? What does this mean for us, two millennium later, 7,000 miles away, billions of people removed from that moment?  Is it possible to have church that way today?

If you're in Africa, yes.  If you live in China, yes. If you live in any country or area where church is hard instead of easy, then yes. It is possible.

We make church too easy. We sacrifice nothing to be there. We complain about spending too much time there.  We find excuses to be away, instead of searching for reasons to be there.  It's something we have to do, not something we get to do.

If only we hungered and thirsted after righteousness. If only we were desperate for a moment with Christ. If only we were willing to risk our social standing, our reputation, our very lives just to touch the hem of his garment.

What is wrong with church today?

We are.

We are the bride of Christ.  Brides breathlessly anticipate their wedding day, preparing even the smallest detail, trying to make everything perfect.

Brides don't gather a group of people in the foyer, gossiping.  They don't stand in a corner, hoping that that person doesn't see them so that they won't have to talk. 

Brides don't waste their time on things that don't matter. Every single detail of their lives - for months - is building up to the day when they see their groom, face to face, in a way they have never seen him before.

Know this. I am talking to myself and about myself. But know this, also.  I'm talking about you, too.  It's time to grow up! 

No wonder people aren't beating down the doors of the church.  If what you have doesn't change you, doesn't change your heart, your actions, your mindset - why would anyone else want it?

I'm putting these thoughts out here as plainly as I can. Jesus is coming soon.  We don't have much time left.  I don't want any of us to miss it. Nor do I want us to miss the opportunity to take someone with us.

What is the problem with church? You are.  I am. 

Let's change that.

"If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land."  2 Chronicles 7:14 NIV

Let's humble ourselves. Pray.  Seek his face.  Hunger for him. Thirst for him.  Be desperate for him. 

I want to go to church.  I want to be the church!  And I want it today!