Today My Heart Breaks

Be warned - this is a mommy post. 

Today my son started middle school.  Ahhh . . . junior high, that lovely time between childhood dependance and high school freedom where everyone is awkward, everyone tries to hide it, and everyone is unsuccessful. 

I cried.  I waited until he was gone, out of the car, in the building, on his way to class.  I watched as he found his friend, hearing the cackles of their laughter as they made their way up the stairs, and I turned my head, and I cried. 

I didn't cry because I was sad.  I didn't cry because I was scared.  I didn't cry because I was worried.

I prayed as we drove away from the school.  I prayed for courage for him and I prayed for peace for me.  Usually, when I pray for peace, it comes instantly.  In fact, I usually just speak the word peace, and peace comes.

But not today.  Today the tears spilled from my eyes, no matter how hard I tried to contain them.  I continued to talk to the Lord, telling him that I knew he was taking care of my son, that he was in control, that he was with us all the time, that he loved us more than we could possibly understand - that he loves my son more than I could.

Yet still the tears came.  I asked the Lord to take them away, and I felt like he said, "Why?  Your tears are fine.  Your tears are a reflection of your heart.  Let them come."

And so I did.  And then peace came. 

My Father used my role as a mother to be my Father today.  I know that seems like a rolling sentence, but it's true.  As I sat in the car, trying to name my emotions, realizing that I wasn't sad or scared or worried, I finally came to see - these emotions, this stuff - it's just being a parent.  It's love.

This love is a product of all you've worked on with your child.  It's equal parts hope and exasperation.  It's laughter and tears - sometimes at the same time.  This love is both healing and cleansing, celebration and joy, discipline and strength.

And as much as I hate the cliche - this love is having your heart beat outside of your body.  It's watching your child go forth, and thinking - there goes my life.   It's your heart breaking, as he takes on new risks, meets new people, tries new things. 

I've heard people say, when dealing with a broken bone - "It's a good break."  I always thought that was a weird thing to say.  I get what they mean - if you have to break a bone, this was a good way to do it.  It'll heal well, be good as new, stronger than ever.  But still - a good break?

Today I get it.  Today my heart broke a little.  But it's a good break.  It'll heal well, be good as new, be stronger than ever. 

And I'll probably still cry.

Questions That Need To Be Asked

Ah . . . questions . . .

Questions fill our days, fill our minds.  Questions can either drive us crazy when they seem unanswerable or they can stretch our reality when the answer challenges our norms. 

I love questions.  I love discussion.  I even love questions that can't be answered - because I love the gift that comes with it.

It's the gift of wonderment.  You know wonderment - that strange emotion that combines puzzling, dizzying, surprising thoughts, swirling and spiraling, pushing boundaries, lifting limits.  The gift of wonderment is the gift of "what if?"  What if . . .

What if I'm wrong and he's right?  What if there are aliens?  What if something bad happens?  What if . . . ?

Questions are both fulfilling and draining.  Questions are about lifting up and breaking down.  Questions create calm and wreak havoc.

Questions are around us everyday, but because they have the potential to disturb our carefully crafted and cautiously guarded peace, we often stuff them down, as if not addressing the questions will kill the questions themselves.

I have found that questions never really go away.  In a moment of quiet, in a moment when our defenses are down, the questions rise up.  As Christians, we will sometimes give Satan completely undue credit - as if questions are a trick of the enemy.  Can they be used against us?  Of course.  Satan will try to use every good thing against us!

But what if we embraced our questions, head on, as a gift from God instead of a scheme of Satan?  What if God wants us to ask questions?  What if He is inviting the questions?

What if we really explored the question - what it means, why we are asking - to get to the bottom of our need?

God - listen to me now - God has REALLY BIG SHOULDERS.  Your questions don't hurt his feelings or ruffle his feathers.  The God who can hold all the waters of the earth in the palm of his hand, who can measure all the galaxies of space with his fingers - this God is not offended by your questions.

So ask them.  Ask him, the Author of Truth, the one whose name is Faithful and True - ask him your questions.  And then look - look for the answers.

Ask why - why did he leave?  Why did she die?  Why am I lonely?
Ask who - who are you God?  Who are you really?  For heaven's sake - who am I?
Ask what - what is the meaning of all this?  What were you thinking?
Ask when - when will I get what I'm asking for?  When will I find what I need?  When will I have peace?
Ask where - where are you?  Where were you when I was hurting?

Ask all the questions.  Wrestle with them.  Be prepared to not like the answers.  Be prepared to know God in a whole new way.

Be prepared to love God in a whole new way.

God is not afraid of your questions.  He's not afraid of you at all!  The truth is, you are the one who is afraid.  You are afraid you'll make God mad.  That you are risking eternity.  That you are risking everything.  You are afraid that you won't like the answer.  You are afraid that there won't be an answer.

And that, my friends, is the scheme of Satan.  Convincing you to hide your true self from the one who made you.  Convincing you to build a wall between you and God.  Convincing you to settle for less than true, intimate fellowship with our one true love.

You may not have questions.  Great!  You may not know what your questions are, because you have stiffled them for so long.  That's ok.  Go somewhere quiet, be alone, and just let your thoughts flow.

The questions will come.
And that's ok.