I go through stages in my life. Cycles, if you will. There is one stage that continues to rear its ugly head. I never quite overcome it or get through it. I can put it to the side, try to forget about it for awhile, but somehow, some way, it always comes back. And I struggle through it again.
It's a stage of self-destruction. Of self-loathing, almost. It's a stage of thinking, thinking, thinking of myself. Not in a big-headed way. Actually, almost the opposite. But still, it's a self-centered thing. It is a stage where I wallow. I think of myself, of my faults and weaknesses, incessantly. I have a hard time getting to the other side of it.
Every morning, I wake up and I think, today I will be different. Today I will think differently. I will act differently. I will BE different.
It's not long before I realize that today is just like every other day. I still bit my kid's head off. I still was lazy. I still accomplished nothing. I still ate too much. Drank too much diet pop. Spent too much time on Pinterest.
And I get so frustrated with myself. I mean, SO frustrated. That loathing I mentioned earlier? Oh yeah. That's the word. And so I go to bed, and I think, tomorrow I will be different. And in the morning I wake up and I think, today's the day. Today I will be different.
And the cycle begins again. Aristotle said, "We are what we continually do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit." I read things like that, and I think, crap! I have no hope! Because my habits are horrible!
So tonight I was thinking about all this (notice that I am clearly in that self-centered stage right now) and I wondered two things: what would happen if I just quit trying to be different? And, what if I'm just different right now?
As a Christian, what would happen if I just quit trying to be what I think I'm supposed to be, and literally, moment-by-moment, with a fervent zeal and all-encompassing passion - turn to God? What if I ask him what to wear, what to eat, what to do? What if I just admit that I am weak and stupid and honestly cannot handle my own life? What if I just run to him like a little child, confessing my faults and weaknesses and self-loathing and self-hatred and just bawl like the stinking baby that I am?
Or . . .
What if I took the attitude that I'm not going to be different all day . . . but just for this moment. What if I just go slowly, take a deep breath, realize that not every sensation has to be experienced right now. What if I realized that I can stop myself from biting at my loved ones but I can't take it back once it's done? Or how about if I realized that chocolate will still taste like chocolate tomorrow? Or what if I remember that Pinterest, for all its inspiration, just makes me feel frustrated? What if I take all of those individual moments and just respond differently . . . once? By turning over my choices and my actions and my habits to God? Moment by moment.
Clearly, either reaction to my life takes me in the same direction - to my maker and my creator. But doing the same thing - going through this same self-destructive cycle - simply has me running in circles.
So can I combine these two thoughts? Can I resolve to stop trying, and at the same time, turn each moment into a God sighting?
This is me being raw, completely transparent: I don't know if I can do it. I'm so deeply ingrained in the self cycle that I don't know if I can stop. But I do know this: putting it out there is a good first step. Inviting God to be the impetus is good. Narrowing my focus to Him and not to me - that works.
But for how long?
Because that's the real thing, right? We take on new habits, resolutions - especially this time of year. We resolve to eat right, exercise, love our neighbor, give more. But in a few weeks . . . here comes the old us again.
Maybe I am the only one who does this. I have a feeling that I am not, but even if I am, that's ok. I'm putting it out there. I'm taking a step.
Maybe the battle isn't won in big leaps and bounds, but in one small step. One step at a time.
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