Wednesday, May 14, 2014

"It's Happening!"

I had the best dream this morning, just before I woke up.

Best. Dream. Ever.

I dreamed I was in some kind of open-ended pavilion.  I was working on an event, standing at a high table, looking at floor maps and seating arrangements.  I was standing with a friend, Chris Davis, discussing where we were going to put people.  Another friend, Jen Smith, walked up and handed me a couple of voucher slips for payment.  I very much remember that one was for $10, and it was marked, "payment for services rendered."  The other one was a reimbursement for $7 (from the Dollar Tree!).  Jen wanted me to see the vouchers - apparently she was in charge of the budget for the event!  I remember saying, I don't need the payment, but I'll take the reimbursement.  And she said, I'll take care of it and walked away.  Chris and I went back to working on the floor plan for our event.

About that time I looked out the end of the pavilion and glanced up at the sky.  The sky was blue - beautiful, pure blue, like the most perfect summer day.  There were clouds racing across the sky, swirling and changing, but not in a frightening way. 

I started to say, hey, look at those clouds, they look like -

And then suddenly I realized they didn't look like . . . they were!

They were taking the form of turrets on a castle, but in my dream mind I was thinking the word spires.  Chris and Jen and I ran out of the pavilion, and I said:

It's happening!

Pure white clouds were chasing each other into view, but they weren't just clouds.  They were taking the form of a city, in the sky, all around us.  We stood there, transfixed, smiles as wide as miles on our faces.  Suddenly I looked up to my right, and saw people being formed out of the clouds, stepping down into rows and rows and rows.  Some were angels, some were people, and they stood around us - in the air, on invisible risers, it seemed. 

I thought, the Great Cloud of Witnesses!

I looked at one woman in the sky.  She had long hair, pulled up in a bun, and layers of beautiful white robes.  She looked down at me and smiled.  I waved, feeling very foolish for doing so, but she chuckled and waved back.

All the people I saw in the sky were moving while standing still.  I don't know how to describe it adequately.  They were formed of clouds - pure, white, bright clouds.  Just as clouds move and form in the heavens, so were the clouds within the people moving.   They were all smiling, expectant, loving. 

There was a city forming behind them, also made of clouds.  Buildings, houses.  Even trees.  Bright, dazzling, pure white. 

Everything - people, angels, buildings - were waiting for something.  Waiting for something to happen.  Happy, joyful - like children on Christmas morning.  I waited and watched with them, hoping to see what they were seeing, and what they were waiting for.

And then I woke up. 

So I looked up the verse in Hebrews about the great cloud of witnesses, and suddenly I knew what the people were expecting: 

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  (12:1-2)
I can't wait to see that throne, and my God, and my Jesus, and that city, and those witnesses. 

Best. Dream. Ever.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

I Worshiped God Today

I worshiped God today.

It's Sunday.  The Lord's day.  The day I always go to church.  The day I always worship.  The day I lead.  The day I serve.  The day I sing. 

The problem was . . . I didn't feel it today.  I didn't feel like worshiping, I didn't feel like leading, I didn't feel like serving.  I didn't feel like singing.  I didn't feel anything today. 

First thing this morning, I had a "preteen" issue at home.  As soon as I got to church, I had doubts about my top and felt self-conscious.  In Sunday School, I ripped my skirt.  After class, I realized an event I had planned for tomorrow wasn't going to work and I was going to have to cancel.  By the time I got to the platform to sing with the praise team, I was done. 

But even without all that, I didn't feel it.  I didn't have that excitement to go to church like a normally do.  I didn't want to see my friends and family, fellowship with each other while we fellowship with God.  I just didn't want any of it.  

And so I worshiped God today. 

I have this spot that I like to look at when I sing at church.  It's up to my right, where the wall meets the ceiling.  I like to imagine that the roof of the church opens up, the clouds roll back, and it's just me and God, face to face.  I am often able to block out everyone and everything, and just focus on him.  Intimate worship, just God and me. 

But not today.  I couldn't block anything out.  I couldn't compartmentalize.  Emotionally I felt dull.  Mentally I felt tired.  Spiritually I felt drained.  I even felt strange physically.  So what did I do?

I worshiped God today.  Anyway.

I closed my eyes.  I raised my hands.  I focused on him.  But I didn't feel different.  I didn't get emotional and break down in tears.  I didn't have a moment of mental clarity.  I didn't receive some spiritual call.  Absolutely nothing changed.  And nothing has changed still.

Yet I worshiped God today. 

Worshiping only when I feel like it puts the emphasis on me.  And that's backwards.  Worshiping in order to feel better also puts the emphasis on me.  Also backwards.  Whether or not we worship has nothing to do with us.  It's only about him - God.  We worship because he is worthy.  We worship because we need to.  We worship because we are told to.  We worship because we have no other choice. 

Praise the Lord!
Praise the Lord from the heavens;
praise him in the heights!
Praise him, all his angels;
praise him, all his hosts!
Praise him, sun and moon,
praise him, all you shining stars!
Praise him, you highest heavens,
and you waters above the heavens!
Let them praise the name of the Lord!
For he commanded and they were created.
And he established them forever and ever; he gave a decree, and it shall not pass away.   Psalm 148-1-6

I worshiped God today.  I didn't feel like it.  But I worshiped.  Not because he encourages it, but because he commands it.  Not because he needs it, but because I need it.  Not because of who I am, but because of who he is.

I worshiped God today.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

All of Me

I had to have some medical tests today. 

This morning I dropped my son off to school, like normal, and decided to go to my favorite diner and have my favorite breakfast (rye toast, bacon, fried potatoes) and play my current favorite phone game (Bubble Worlds).  I guess I was trying to busy myself.  I wasn't worried, I was trusting God that He would take care of me, whether the test was positive or negative.

The radio was playing at the diner, and though I usually tune stuff out, I heard the song "All of Me" by John Legend came on.  It's a beautiful song, very simple - just one voice and a piano.  I don't listen to the radio much, but I've heard it before, and I really like it.  The chorus goes like this:

'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I'm winning
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, oh
Pretty, right?  Sweet, loving...

Fast forward to an hour later.  I'm laying on an examination table, watching my ultrasound on the computer screen.  Of course, I don't know what I'm looking at, so I was just kind of praying, kind of thinking.  All of a sudden, I became a little scared.  Then I got a little angry with myself for being scared.  A tear trickled down my cheek.

Suddenly, the Lord spoke the words of the song to me:  "All of me loves all of you."  And the fear vanished.

Wow.

You may think I'm crazy, believing that God would use some man's love song to his wife to comfort me.  I'm totally ok with you thinking that.  I know the moment, and nothing will ever change it for me.

I started to think about God's love for me.  I started to think about him singing over me, like it says in Zephaniah 3:17:   "He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing."  I thought about just what it meant for all of God to love all of me.  God. Me.  The great big, immortal, massive, King of Kings, Creator of the Universe, Lover of my soul, unshakeable, impenetrable, unchangeable - that God loves me.  All of the facets of his character love me.  Everything he is . . . loves me.

Loves all of me.  The good stuff.  The bad stuff.  The strengths.  The weaknesses.  The rights.  The wrongs.  The past.  The future.  The ugly.  The beautiful.  

Just soak in that for a minute, and then say with me . . . wow. 

I wasn't afraid anymore.  No matter the diagnosis, no matter the outcome, God loves me.  God. Loves. Me.  And he loves you!  That is truth, and truth is what sets us free.  What is there to ever be afraid of, when the one who spoke the world into being wants to rejoice over me?  Sing over me?  Take delight in me?  

What does that say about him, and what does it say about me?

My test results came back fine.  No problems.  But problems will come, in all of our lives, and the truth will still be the same.  All of God loves all of me.  That knowledge should change me, make me bold, strong, courageous.  No earthly circumstances can change the eternal truth:

God loves me.