Lavish on My Child

Last week I wrote about the steps I planned on taking to lavish on my husband.  This week I wanted to share about lavishing on my child.  Later I'll share how I plan to lavish on others.

These posts aren't really how-tos or instructions for anyone else.  They are basically an opportunity for me to put "on paper" steps to make my goal a reality.  Otherwise I'll just hang out feeling pretty good about myself that I have a word focus for this year!  It's not enough to feel good.  I want to do good!

One thing you'll notice is that each plan begins and ends the same.  So . . .

The first thing I want to do for my child is lavish him with prayer.  Every. Single. Day.  The Lord can parent my kid masterfully better than I can ever hope.  So I'm going to have to have Him to help me learn to parent his way.  So I will pray for him, and pray for how I parent him.

I will pray for his heart, for his mind, for his body.  He's growing so quickly.  He's a preteen, and noticing - shall I say - stuff.  He is venturing into new territories, more adult territories.  Only through prayer protection can I help teach him how to guard himself against sin and its influences.  I want him to see that even if he doesn't participate in sin, it can still influence him, through what he watches and reads.

As Samuel's mother, I have big dreams for him.  Not to be president of the United States (although he would ROCK that job) but to do great things with God.  There is a great article here How to Pray Big for Your Child.  It is a FABULOUS reminder that God wants us to go big in our lives!  Ephesians 3:20-21 says, "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."  I love these verses - in fact, I'm preaching on them this week - because it gives us just a glimpse of how big God wants to be for us. 

I will also lavish him with the knowledge that I pray for him, and continue to teach him to pray, by himself and with others.   I pray for his friends, for his future wife, for his future influences, for the way he'll influence others . . . absolutely everything I can think of.

The second thing I want to do for my child is lavish him with validation.  Please notice that I am not saying love.  Of course, I love him.  I'd die for him!  But to say I love him without validating him is sort of purposeless. 

Validation is simple.  It's just acknowledging him.  Do you know how it feels to be shopping in a department store, with the store clerk standing right there, never acknowledging your presence or asking if they can help you?  It's frustrating, right?  Imagine how kids must feel when they are not acknowledged by the people that they love. 

When I validate Samuel I simply say, you are here, and I am glad.  When he comes in the room, I will look up.  When I pick him up from school, I will not be on the phone.  I will not act as though my computer or phone are more important than he is! 

Here is the other reason that validation is an appropriate tool in parenting.  If I can model it for Samuel, he can learn to use it in his life, too.  Validating emotions is key - it involves naming them and understanding.  Here's a great article about it:  Validating Your Children's Emotions.  I'm not raising a child to be a good child.  I'm raising a child to be a good, productive adult.

Boys, especially, have trouble with emotions.  I think that helping him name his emotions will teach him to not be mastered by them.

Validation is not the same thing as praise.  But praise has it's role too.  That's why ...

The third thing I want to do for my child is lavish him with appropriate praise.  Appropriate.  I'm not a "praiser" at heart.  It's not one of my gifts.  I see how good things are, but I don't always say it.  Parenting has helped me to be better at this.  But praise must be appropriate to be effective and important. 

I want my son to know that I am his biggest cheerleader, but also know that I will not cheer for him for doing something mediocre or downright wrong!  I also want him to notice that I am praising him for who he is, for his character, not for his accomplishments.  He may not grow to be an adult who has a lot of outward accomplishments.  He may not win the Nobel Prize or be named MVP.  I can teach him to be ok with that now, by praising him for being honest.  For being kind.  For being loving. 

Praise also indicates expectation.  I expect him to be honest, kind and loving.  So when he does the things I expect, hearing my praise encourages him to keep doing those things.  Now, praise is not - "Good job!"  Praise is specific.  It's, "Honey, I appreciate you being kind to that little boy.  He needed someone to be sweet to him." 

Here's another great article about praise:  Don't Praise Your Children.  It shows the role of appropriate praise in parenting.  (He talks specifically about not "lavishing" your kids with praise.  But read carefully, because he's not saying that I'm doing wrong.)

The final thing I want to do for my child is him with attention.  But again . . . appropriate attention.  My life doesn't revolve around my kid.  We strive to only be involved in one activity at a time, because I don't want to run and run and run.  Frankly, I don't know how those of you with more than one child do it.  It's hard enough for me to keep up with the stuff that comes with one kid!

But in those activities, he should get my whole attention.  It's funny - we expect kids to look at us when we are talking to them.  Yet we adults go everywhere with our phones.  I myself have sat at soccer practice and played Candy Crush the whole time.  Totally missed him learning a new skill and excelling at it.  Sat at restaurants where each one of us were looking at something in our hands, not at each other.  Mom fail. 

There are times that our kids need to know that they are the most important thing.  But there are times that they need to know they aren't.  When I am busy, making dinner, or studying, I can't necessarily drop everything to hear his joke or his story.  But when I'm not busy, there is no reason that he can't get my whole attention.

This is another modeling thing.  I model the behavior I expect from him.  When he wants to play a game, that is something I can do without my phone in front of me.  Just like when I want to talk to him, I expect the television off and the Ipod put away.

I hope my thoughts will encourage you in your journey!