Please Indulge Me . . .

I hope you'll indulge me in an extra post today.  Something interesting happened to me yesterday, after I had already posted, and I felt like I really needed to get it down on "paper" and make both a profession and a confession of my encounter.

My husband and I are joining our church in a 21-day fast.  We are doing the Daniel Fast (there's tons of information on the web if you are interested).  We are in day 8.  There are three things I went into the fast expecting:  Renewal, Freedom, and Focus.  The particulars are private, so I'll leave it at that.

I have a lot of trouble sleeping.  You'd think giving up caffeine would help with insomnia - NO!  Last week I had one of the worst times ever.  On about the fourth night, lying in bed, praying and pleading with God for relief, for sleep, for His presence . . . I was MAD.  Hot under the collar.  At HIM, no less.  I prayed for what seemed like hours, off and on through the night, and not only was He not there, but He seemed farther away than ever.

That was Thursday.  By Sunday morning, humbled and confused, I confessed to my husband my emotions.  What is the point of fasting, what is the point of searching for God, what is the point of claiming healing, when He was nowhere to be found? 

I'll admit, I was ticked!  I marched off and had a diet Coke and a Hershey's kiss and stuck out my tongue (figuratively speaking, of course!).  I fell from the fast for a moment.  Like I said, what was the point?

Then I wrote yesterday's post about Jehovah-Rophe, the God who heals.  I wrote about how God longs for relationship with us.  And as I was driving to pick up my son from school, I was reminded of the scripture in Mark 2 when the paralyzed man's friends lowered him through a roof to be healed by Jesus.  Jesus's first response was not to heal him physically.  He first offered forgiveness of sins, and only healed his infirmity after the teachers of the law started griping.  Jesus saw the man's true need - a relationship with Him.  Being a paralytic could be dealt with; living without a relationship with God could not.

And in that moment I realized why God was so far from me last week.  It was my relationship with Him that needed healed, not my insomnia or aches and pains (oh, how I hate getting older!).  He withheld physical recovery from me so that I could see my real need - my relationship had gotten one-sided.  I had become the one the relationship was about, not Him.  It was all about my wants, my needs, my sadness, my anger. 

And like that, in my van, driving down Memorial in Muncie, heading out to Selma - like that, He was there with me.  I instantly dissolved into tears.  "Where have you been?"  I questioned.  "I needed you and you weren't there!"  "I was here," He said.  "You just couldn't feel me."

I'll leave the rest of the conversation between me and God.  I almost had to pull over, I was crying so hard.  It was one of the most real moments of my life.

I wish I could tell you that the rest of the day was - what did Robin Leach used to say?  Something about champagne wishes and caviar dreams?  It wasn't!  Satan fought me all day, especially in my home.  But I'm still here.  And I'm realizing more than ever, there's nothing I can ever "do" enough to be right with God.  Can't teach enough classes, can't sing enough songs, can't shake enough hands.  I have to have a heart that hungers for God.  And I have to constantly put my relationship with Him first. 

Well, thanks for listening reading.  ;0)  I hope this very intimate post can encourage someone else.  God is Jehovah - Rophe - and He knows the REAL things that need healed in our lives.